I think I'm going to have to schedule time to breathe over the next two months, starting...oh...let's say, tommorrow at 9:00 AM. I almost had a panic attack last night when I was thinking about my schedule. For a second, I thought that I had two incredibly conflicting jobs scheduled for this Saturday. Then, I rememberd that my PCAT class will not meet until NEXT Saturday. After that, I was able to work on getting my heart rate back down to something that resembles normal.
The good news is that next week, while busy, is not scheduled to the last minute. It is kind of like my launching pad for the month. And I definitely want to take one day--ONE WHOLE DAY--off! Maybe I'll finally use the massage my bro and sis-in-love gave me for Christmas. Goodness knows I could use it!
I wish I could think of something profound to say...but I think I'll just say, "Yay, God! Bless me and sustain me!" And call it a night.
Thursday, June 2
Tuesday, May 31
An offensive title
Last night, on my way to see a movie with a friend, I decided to stop at Barnes & Noble for dinner. You may think that's strange, but I work there, which means food from the cafe is pretty darn cheap. Plus, I was hoping that a certain young lady would be working in the cafe. We need people to paint faces on Saturday and there's just something about her that I've always liked. I thought she would be a good addition to our team of airbrush artists. (She was there, and she is going to work with us on Saturday. Woohoo!)
Anyway. I ordered my food then realized that I needed something to read while I ate my solitary meal (I was at a bookstore after all). I went looking for a title recommended to me earlier that day, The Mind of God by Hunt. It wasn't on the shelf. But I realized I was in the neighborhood for Craig Groeschel and decided to see if he had anything new out.
I looked up a row to see a loud orange cover with the title the Christian atheist running down the spine. And at first, I was repelled. I mean, how can anyone use the word "Christian" to describe an atheist. I didn't even want to touch the book...but then, I thought back to the times I heard Groeschel speak at Catalyst. His messages were always timely, powerful, thought-provoking. So I picked the book up and went back to the cafe.
And I got drawn in pretty quickly. He begins the introduction this way, "Hi, my name is Craig Groeschel, and I'm a Christian atheist." I read that and I thought, WHAT?! But he's a pastor, he has a huge congregation, he's a leader for my generation. WHAT?? But then I kept reading, "For as long as I can remember, I've believed in God, but I haven't always lived like he exists."
I asked myself, "Self, have we done that?" And I had to answer, my head bowed, "Yes, yes indeed we have." So I kept reading. Now, my story is very different from Craig's. Just as your story is going to be very different from mine. But the Introduction ends, in part, with these words: "Was there a time in your life that you were closer to God than you are today? If you're like me, then spiritual drift didn't happen on purpose. Like a tiny leak in a tire, slowly but surely, your spiritual passion quietly slipped away..."
I bought the book.
Anyway. I ordered my food then realized that I needed something to read while I ate my solitary meal (I was at a bookstore after all). I went looking for a title recommended to me earlier that day, The Mind of God by Hunt. It wasn't on the shelf. But I realized I was in the neighborhood for Craig Groeschel and decided to see if he had anything new out.
I looked up a row to see a loud orange cover with the title the Christian atheist running down the spine. And at first, I was repelled. I mean, how can anyone use the word "Christian" to describe an atheist. I didn't even want to touch the book...but then, I thought back to the times I heard Groeschel speak at Catalyst. His messages were always timely, powerful, thought-provoking. So I picked the book up and went back to the cafe.
And I got drawn in pretty quickly. He begins the introduction this way, "Hi, my name is Craig Groeschel, and I'm a Christian atheist." I read that and I thought, WHAT?! But he's a pastor, he has a huge congregation, he's a leader for my generation. WHAT?? But then I kept reading, "For as long as I can remember, I've believed in God, but I haven't always lived like he exists."
I asked myself, "Self, have we done that?" And I had to answer, my head bowed, "Yes, yes indeed we have." So I kept reading. Now, my story is very different from Craig's. Just as your story is going to be very different from mine. But the Introduction ends, in part, with these words: "Was there a time in your life that you were closer to God than you are today? If you're like me, then spiritual drift didn't happen on purpose. Like a tiny leak in a tire, slowly but surely, your spiritual passion quietly slipped away..."
I bought the book.
Saturday, May 28
Four years of wilderness...
I look back on my last posts, and that's what it feels like. A lot of lost time. Four years of wandering, searching, trying to find myself. When I really needed to have my eyes on my God, my Abba.
Please God, let this wilderness be ending. Father, I think of the words to the song How He Loves,
Please God, let this wilderness be ending. Father, I think of the words to the song How He Loves,
heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
and my heart turns violently inside of my chest
and I don't have time to maintain these regrets
when I think about the way that He loves us
I don't have time to maintain my regrets. You love me Father, from the the time You put me together and breathed life into me through the end of time. How can I dwell on my regrets--my mistakes, my failures, my uncertainties, my missed opportunities--when I stop to dwell on how much, how very much, You love me?
Help me to turn from the past into the marvelous light of Your grace, of Your glory, of the future You have for me. Guide my every step. Form my every thought. Please, God, surprise me! Show up in ways I can't even imagine. Enlarge my territory and prepare me for greater influence in Your world. Bless me, indeed, as only You can.
(My favorite version of How He Loves, by Eddie Kirkland)
(My favorite version of How He Loves, by Eddie Kirkland)
Wednesday, October 17
Thank God for times of reflection!
I have felt overwhelmed and discouraged this week, and I knew that I just needed some time to be still before God, to be quiet and to think. So I took what most people would call a "mental health" day, but for me has much more to do with spiritual health.
I had quiet time, did an hour of pilates, had breakfast, then started exploring... I KNOW that I am suffocating right now with work, but I feel like it's something that I have to work through...work out. I feel like it's a situation that God wants to use to teach me and grow me and that I can't just walk away. But what does that look like? How will I recognize that it's okay to leave? How do I survive in the meantime?
Which brings me to7/22 last night. Jarrett talked about how God is greater than any one of us--or even all of us combined--and that we need to look to Him for direction in everything, not just when times are hard. We need to declare our utter dependence on God. He is bigger than our plans, our hopes and our dreams. The lyrics from one of last night's songs talked about the fact that God is God of EVERYTHING. One particular phrase stuck out to me, "God of my hoping, there in my dreaming...be my everything."
I want to acknowledge my need for God constantly. I want Him to be my everything, to be in my hopes and my dreams, my conversations and my laughter...I don't want to seek Him only in those times when I am sad or hurting. So, now, I profess--I confess--that I alone am inadequate. I am not self-sufficient. I have no right to be independent. I need my God DESPERATELY. Everything in my life comes from Him; all that I am is dependent upon Him.
My life is connected to Someone much greater than myself. My actions should reflect that.
God, I pray today...and I will continue to pray...that you will be my EVERYTHING. My life, my hopes, my dreams are Yours. Please allow me to live before You with EXPECTANCY and DEPENDENCE. Teach me what awe really means. Teach me the deliberate pursuit of joy that comes from an intimacy with you. Give me freedom to be the person you made me to be. Amen!
I have felt overwhelmed and discouraged this week, and I knew that I just needed some time to be still before God, to be quiet and to think. So I took what most people would call a "mental health" day, but for me has much more to do with spiritual health.
I had quiet time, did an hour of pilates, had breakfast, then started exploring... I KNOW that I am suffocating right now with work, but I feel like it's something that I have to work through...work out. I feel like it's a situation that God wants to use to teach me and grow me and that I can't just walk away. But what does that look like? How will I recognize that it's okay to leave? How do I survive in the meantime?
Which brings me to7/22 last night. Jarrett talked about how God is greater than any one of us--or even all of us combined--and that we need to look to Him for direction in everything, not just when times are hard. We need to declare our utter dependence on God. He is bigger than our plans, our hopes and our dreams. The lyrics from one of last night's songs talked about the fact that God is God of EVERYTHING. One particular phrase stuck out to me, "God of my hoping, there in my dreaming...be my everything."
I want to acknowledge my need for God constantly. I want Him to be my everything, to be in my hopes and my dreams, my conversations and my laughter...I don't want to seek Him only in those times when I am sad or hurting. So, now, I profess--I confess--that I alone am inadequate. I am not self-sufficient. I have no right to be independent. I need my God DESPERATELY. Everything in my life comes from Him; all that I am is dependent upon Him.
My life is connected to Someone much greater than myself. My actions should reflect that.
God, I pray today...and I will continue to pray...that you will be my EVERYTHING. My life, my hopes, my dreams are Yours. Please allow me to live before You with EXPECTANCY and DEPENDENCE. Teach me what awe really means. Teach me the deliberate pursuit of joy that comes from an intimacy with you. Give me freedom to be the person you made me to be. Amen!
Friday, September 7
Just getting thoughts out...
There is so much going on lately. No. That's not true. How do I say this?
There is a lot going on inside of me lately...in my head, my heart, my spirit. I feel like I'm at the edge of a precipice, just looking for the right place to jump off. And I know that when I do jump, it's going to be amazing. God is going to hold me up and guide me to the spot where He wants me to land.
But, now...now, I am overwhelmed. Uncertain. Seeking. There are so many opportunities. I realize that it's not about open doors and new possibilities. There will always be doors that are wide open, slightly ajar or firmly closed...the position of the door does not necessarily indicate the will of God for me. Just because it's an open door doesn't mean it's the door I should enter; at the same time, a closed door could be an indication that I'm just not ready to move in that direction. And I know my capabilities...I have the potential to excel at any number of things.
So where does that leave me? I need to find out where God is at work around me...to prayerfully seek guidance and confirmation of where He would have me to join Him. And I need to find my passion--to discover just what lights my fire. I'm learning. But it's a process. One that will never end.
I used to have so many dreams. But I have yielded them up, one by one. I don't want that for myself. I want to recapture those dreams. To explore them. To make them reality.
Fall is quickly approaching...my favorite time of year...I need to get outside, to walk through the woods, to step on the crisp leaves, to lean against a tree for a while and dream.
There is a lot going on inside of me lately...in my head, my heart, my spirit. I feel like I'm at the edge of a precipice, just looking for the right place to jump off. And I know that when I do jump, it's going to be amazing. God is going to hold me up and guide me to the spot where He wants me to land.
But, now...now, I am overwhelmed. Uncertain. Seeking. There are so many opportunities. I realize that it's not about open doors and new possibilities. There will always be doors that are wide open, slightly ajar or firmly closed...the position of the door does not necessarily indicate the will of God for me. Just because it's an open door doesn't mean it's the door I should enter; at the same time, a closed door could be an indication that I'm just not ready to move in that direction. And I know my capabilities...I have the potential to excel at any number of things.
So where does that leave me? I need to find out where God is at work around me...to prayerfully seek guidance and confirmation of where He would have me to join Him. And I need to find my passion--to discover just what lights my fire. I'm learning. But it's a process. One that will never end.
I used to have so many dreams. But I have yielded them up, one by one. I don't want that for myself. I want to recapture those dreams. To explore them. To make them reality.
Fall is quickly approaching...my favorite time of year...I need to get outside, to walk through the woods, to step on the crisp leaves, to lean against a tree for a while and dream.
Friday, August 17
Numero Uno
Well, here goes! I set this blog up in March and have obviously done very little with it. Now is the time. Today is the day.
But where to start? Where, indeed?
How about with the concept of time...timing...God's timing?
The past few months have been absolutely AMAZING. God has been working in my life. I know that He has changed my character more in the past six months than ever before. In Philippians 2:12, Paul instructs the believers, "work out your own salvation with fear and trembling." With God's help, I have been endeavoring to do just that...to learn what it really means to be "saved"--how that should affect every choice I make, every word I speak, every relationship I pursue. I am also learning more about surrender and about the responsibility that I have to be salt in the world (Colossians 4:6).
God has allowed me to learn so much about myself...about who I am now and who He wants me to be as His child--and as a godly woman. He has revealed truth to me just at the point where I am capable of accepting what He wants to teach me. It is so AWESOME!
A few months ago, a prospective singles pastor asked us what our "holy discontent" was--the one thing that just ate us up inside from a spiritual perspective. I realized that my holy discontent is the fact that the church does not do all it should to raise up godly men--men who are strong Christian leaders. Over the last few months, God has shown me adjustments and changes that I need to make in my life in order to support the Christian men that I come into contact with...I may not be able to instruct them in leadership, but I can step back and allow them opportunities to lead, cheering them on all the while.
I have also come to realize that art is a very vital part of who I am. I don't think I ever really realized that...pursuit of art, of beauty, seemed like it was frivolous--a poor investment of my time. But my talent, my desire, is God-given; I don't think I ever allowed myself to accept that before. Isn't that amazing? None of our talents or abilities are accidental! In many ways, creating art is a form of worship for me and is a vital component of my spiritual well-being. And if it's that for me, if that's what I'm pouring into it, then I'm realizing that God may just use my work to pour out something similar into others. That just rocks my world!
And do you know what else I'm learning? That I don't need to be afraid to allow others to see exactly who I am. God made me. I am in HIS image. If I'm quirky and goofy and sometimes fail to be completely ladylike in my comportment--well, that's okay! I know for a fact that God has a sense of humor. (If you don't believe me, just look around! Have you SEEN a hippo? Do you know that He put little landing strips on flowers so the bees know where to go? Have you heard a duck quack?) He wants us to enjoy life, to laugh, to dance around and sing at the top of our voices (if you don't believe that, read a few Psalms). Why should I be afraid to be the person He made me to be?
Which leads me to my favorite verse...the one that has been ever-present in my heart since the night I came across it 5 1/2 years ago as I sat outside on a dark Honduras night, facing a year in a foreign country--a country that I loved dearly, but had never visited for longer than a week at a time. In 2 Timothy 1:7, Paul writes to Timothy, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." How wonderful is THAT? Fear of the unknown is not, and never will be, of God. God wants me to be filled--to be being filled--with His Spirit, which is characterized by power, love and peace of mind. Hallelujah!
But where to start? Where, indeed?
How about with the concept of time...timing...God's timing?
The past few months have been absolutely AMAZING. God has been working in my life. I know that He has changed my character more in the past six months than ever before. In Philippians 2:12, Paul instructs the believers, "work out your own salvation with fear and trembling." With God's help, I have been endeavoring to do just that...to learn what it really means to be "saved"--how that should affect every choice I make, every word I speak, every relationship I pursue. I am also learning more about surrender and about the responsibility that I have to be salt in the world (Colossians 4:6).
God has allowed me to learn so much about myself...about who I am now and who He wants me to be as His child--and as a godly woman. He has revealed truth to me just at the point where I am capable of accepting what He wants to teach me. It is so AWESOME!
A few months ago, a prospective singles pastor asked us what our "holy discontent" was--the one thing that just ate us up inside from a spiritual perspective. I realized that my holy discontent is the fact that the church does not do all it should to raise up godly men--men who are strong Christian leaders. Over the last few months, God has shown me adjustments and changes that I need to make in my life in order to support the Christian men that I come into contact with...I may not be able to instruct them in leadership, but I can step back and allow them opportunities to lead, cheering them on all the while.
I have also come to realize that art is a very vital part of who I am. I don't think I ever really realized that...pursuit of art, of beauty, seemed like it was frivolous--a poor investment of my time. But my talent, my desire, is God-given; I don't think I ever allowed myself to accept that before. Isn't that amazing? None of our talents or abilities are accidental! In many ways, creating art is a form of worship for me and is a vital component of my spiritual well-being. And if it's that for me, if that's what I'm pouring into it, then I'm realizing that God may just use my work to pour out something similar into others. That just rocks my world!
And do you know what else I'm learning? That I don't need to be afraid to allow others to see exactly who I am. God made me. I am in HIS image. If I'm quirky and goofy and sometimes fail to be completely ladylike in my comportment--well, that's okay! I know for a fact that God has a sense of humor. (If you don't believe me, just look around! Have you SEEN a hippo? Do you know that He put little landing strips on flowers so the bees know where to go? Have you heard a duck quack?) He wants us to enjoy life, to laugh, to dance around and sing at the top of our voices (if you don't believe that, read a few Psalms). Why should I be afraid to be the person He made me to be?
Which leads me to my favorite verse...the one that has been ever-present in my heart since the night I came across it 5 1/2 years ago as I sat outside on a dark Honduras night, facing a year in a foreign country--a country that I loved dearly, but had never visited for longer than a week at a time. In 2 Timothy 1:7, Paul writes to Timothy, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." How wonderful is THAT? Fear of the unknown is not, and never will be, of God. God wants me to be filled--to be being filled--with His Spirit, which is characterized by power, love and peace of mind. Hallelujah!
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